What an interesting week! I found myself in a crazy world of anxiety. First, I had a night where I spent two hours crying and then two hours awake unable to go to sleep until 2am. Next came a day where I cleaned my home from sun up to sun down, collapsing in bed at 11pm. You would think my home looked put together after that, but still didn’t. Then came the next day where I was so tired that all I could do was nap and eat junk food ALL day! I have never eating so much junk in my life! But even without hunger my mouth needed something to work on. I am the kind of person that will either over work myself or completely indulge on sleeping my troubles away. My need to work and clean is not based on “keeping myself busy” as if I stayed still i would think nonstop on my pain. Guess what? Rather I am busy or if I allow myself to have a day of nothingness, I still carry and deal with the pain inside. Being busy is just a way to help the current day pass faster, it’s a way to help the week pass a little faster… I am almost 24 hours away from the day I brought my daughter into my arms. I am close to the time I started laboring to bring her out. Today is the day my body did the most amazing work to bring a child to me. No wonder that this week has been nothing but anxiety!
I have dreaded coming a full circle with the day that forever changed my life. The concept of a year has changed and feels like it was yesterday. I feel brain damaged in the fact that a year is a long time, yet it poured down on us like sand running through our fingers. Even if I get minutes without thinking about it, my body has a way of reminding me, simply living life today reminds me. It can be the sun shining a certain way, or the sunset, or it may be a visit to the doctor to get contacts, it may be which side of the bed I lay at night, or even waking up in the middle of the night to familiar sounds of my husband sleeping. Many times I want to shake it off, but even if I try to run away from it, somehow it finds a way to find me. I have not ignored how I felt all year long. I have faced my pain and have been dealing with it. Yet why is it that I am so scared of tomorrow? I am so scared of waking up tonight in the middle of the night. I don’t want to be alone at night, I don’t want to think about that night and all that should have been. I have done that all year long! I wish I could just sleep all day Friday, how do you make it each year through such a thing, year after year? It’s just horrible! I hope one day I can see her as a gift not a loss. When I am asked so where do you go from here? My answer is I don’t know! I wish I could come up with this beautiful thing to say and give myself and others this “story” of moving forward with life. Some choices have been made for us. I will soon share those, but for now all I have to say is getting through the next few days and November 1st will be a road I wish I did not have to take. If I could wake up days from now I would sign up for it.
My original plan was to sleep in the morning and for us to scape town tomorrow afternoon for a few days. I wanted to leave all behind, yet as if I can scape my own heart!? Thank goodness that the weather has changed! That it’s rainy and cloudy. Nothing like the days a year ago. The beautiful magic of a sunny breezy fall day came to a sudden end that day! All I can say is that in my brokenness I have realized how much more of Jesus I need each day. My daily existence is dependent on His ability to give me grace and strength to make through one more day at a time. I really thought that I knew how much I needed Him to make through life. This past year brought knowledge and some living to a place I call - desperate living dependent on Him. Every day I wake up and I say out of desperation, “Jesus I can’t make it through today”, “I don’t have it what it takes”, “I am so weak and hurting”… Yet in the end of each day I realize that by His grace I have made through one more day. It’s not based on what I know, not based on what I do, it’s not based in who I am; I have made it because there is a power in Him I can’t explain that fills me and works in me and gives me what it takes to make it through one more day. I have been thirsty and hungry for Him, I have been desperate for Him, I have been broken and He has come to meet me in my place of despair. He is power, He is strength, He is the air I breathe, He sustains me and because of Him I have made it this far! Thank you Jesus for being so real to me, I have needed you more than ever before in my life and you have been walking with me along the way. Thank you that You are who You say you are! You are real in my life and I am so thankful to be yours!
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